Awareness

As time passes, her life looks less and less unusual, but a diminished perception of oddity by no means makes her normal. The distance between her and others has been put to various uses, even used to manufacture a friendliness that can sometimes seem genuinely intimate. That friendliness isn’t so much a lie as a mimicking of her natural affections. She simply recreates what she feels for those she’s chosen and redirects it.

She regularly has to isolate herself for a realignment of the thoughts that bring about her feelings. She fears having the two separated for possibility of denying those who earn her devotion the distinction of having done so. She assumes nothing about that devotion, even that her chosen people should care to be distinguished, but her own standards demand she give what is earned, meaningless or not.

She’s learned the basic patterns of people and that her lack of concern is universally mistaken for cruelty. In truth, there is no cruelty in her, but not for the reasons one might infer. She’s not above meanness, she simply sees no gain to come of it. Given naturally, her words are flat, monotone, and she uses them with precise meaning, if self-determined from a broader official understanding.

She is concerned with very little, which gives the impression of one who takes adversity in stride, but when faced with something that holds meaning she is fragile and insecure. She’s survived circumstances that would mean great strength in another, but some combination of natural distance, honest self-concern and intelligence has not allowed her to be tried as harshly as most.

She is seen as tolerant, but isn’t. She ignores most things for a lack of caring, but on subjects that matter she can be dogmatic, even narrow-minded. She values her arrogance, believing that if a subject is reasoned to its natural conclusion, there is no need to compromise, but remains willing to hear new evidence or a new approach to old evidence.

She offers no ease in communication, she doesn’t extend the liberties common to people. Courtesy is offered as she knows it, but not overextended. She is no diplomat, although her fluctuating thoughts might be externally mistaken for such concerning matters on which she hasn’t formed a solid opinion.

She readily accepts criticism from any who offer it with reason, but feels that a character including the desire to cause unnecessary pain nullifies worth and with it any opinion offered. She apologises easily, but only when she feels herself wrong.

She never got back to feeling safe after violent circumstances, and sometimes still feels the need to protect herself with physical distance, although she acknowledges that such is most likely unnecessary. She also fully understands the options left open by such a phrase as unlikely, a fact that colours nearly all of her life.

She wishes for a world that allows her childlike qualities. She is excitable, which makes her impulsive, but also brilliantly and contagiously happy. She is curious, seen as a zealot, but she feels this quality makes her better. It enables deduction, observation and awe. Additionally, it mixes with her natural affection to give her interactions strong focus, which leads to unparalleled appreciation of those around her, should they fall into the very specific categories that she believes make people worth her time.

Her reaction to people she feels are not spectacular, which includes most, is apathy, a lack of concern so generalised that she rarely notices it. Those who are spectacular fall into one of two categories, the useless and the exquisite. Even thoughts of the useless are met with venom that is nearly physical. She feels that they have not earned the beauty and ingenuity they inhabit, and hates them for disappointing their abilities. The exquisite are wholly loved and treasured, as much as she hates that word. She feels the need to protect and care for those people, to give as much as she’s able to reciprocate the joy they give her.

She’s often seen as overbearing, too intimate, but she doesn’t understand such ideas. She only marginally understands that her actions are misunderstood for requests, whatever those requests may be. She feels that stating her requests clearly should create an understanding that if unstated, no request exists, but that is rarely the case.

She gauges in excruciating detail the importance of an action or thought, and makes decisions by comparing the resultant information. The dictates of this process are often mistaken for unwarranted enthusiasm to the point of unnerving those around her, but she simply accepts, and then ignores, the drawbacks of a chosen circumstance should it prove the more important of options.

She’s sometimes sure no one can see her, in the fashion of the young, but without the intentions most commonly associated. She rarely sees the level of passion she’s accustom to in others and believes this means they don’t share her depth of feeling. She’s aware that the difference could easily be a decreased depth of expression, but wonders how a person could feel so purely and appear empty. Her reaction to such is not self-congratulation, rather pity, but without the implied condescension, which is saved for those situations in which she believes dedication has given her something that is universally available.